Players’ Wives…….
Which Players wife has the nicest car?
The Kirrie Dentists waiting room
Two players wives were chatting in the waiting room waiting their turn, one says to the other "I think we are in for a good night tonight Glynis, I can smell cock in the air"............................"Sorry" says Glynis, "I just burped"
Composed by Bobby Baldie
Pauline, Laura and Emma are back at the pearly gates, St Peter is surprised to see them again so soon and suggests that as they have such a hard time with the Strathie men that they should go back to earth as anything they choose. He tells them to go back into the waiting room and read some magazines to get some good ideas.
Out comes Pauline first with a copy of 'Vogue'.. "Could I go back as Kate Moss"?..pifff paff poof back to earth as Kate Moss. Out comes Laura with a copy of 'Cosmapolitan'..."could I go back as Christine Aguillara"? Pifff Paff Poof....off she goes back to earth.
Out comes Emma with the Courier... "could I go back as Sarah Pipalini"? asks Emma
St. Peter thinks for a while and replies "who the hell is Sarah Pipilini"?..."could I see the paper please"? He takes it and reads the articale. After a moment he turns to Emma and says "I think you have misread it, it says "Sahara Pipe-line laid by 400 men"!!
Laura is drying herself after a shower in her new hoose when she suddenly slips and fall spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tries to sand up but she has landed so hard that her pussy has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move. She cries out to Plug for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. "Why don't we get a hammer and break up the tiles round about me and get me up that way?" she asks.
"Great Idea," says Plug, "but just let me rub your boobs a little." "Why" asks Laura a little confused. "So I can slide you into the kitchen, the tiles are cheaper in there"!!!!
Pauline goes to heaven...She is standing talking to St Peter when she hears this drilling noise then an almighty scream!!! "Don't be afraid" St Peter said "they are drilling holes in the Angel's backs for wings".
Things afre fine for a while then more drilling and screaming. "It's OK" said St Peter..."They are drilling the holes for the Angel's Halos.
Pauline said "I'm thinking - I'd rather go to hell"
"oh you don't want to do that...you'll be gang raped and sodomised for eternity"
She replied "Aye that's OK though......I've got holes for that"!!
The Bus back from Troon crashed killing all the players wives.
St Peter interrogated Linda..... "Did you cause the bus to crash?" Well I did touch 'RoadRunner' on the penis just before the bus crashed. "Well dip your finger in this bowl of Holly Water and go through the Pearly Gates" demanded St Peter.
Next up was Jamie "was it you who caused the bus to crash Mrs Bruce?"...... "well I did give RoadRunners member a good rub 5 minutes before the crash"...."well dip your hand in the bowl of Holly Water and give it a good shake....then go through the Pearly Gates"
Just at that Debbie comes rushing up the queue took the bowl of Holly Water from St Peter and started gargling like crazy.
When she finished she looked at St Peter and said " I just wanted to get in first before Angela stuck her arse in it"!!
Jason and Robin are sitting in the pub discussing the new tattoo he has just got, when the subject of tattoos on women comes up.
Robin is not sure about this as he has had very little to do with tattooed women.
Jason however thinks it is okay, and turns to Robin, "Linda has a sea shell tattooed on the inside of her thigh, and it is really special.
"What was so special about it?" asked Robin,
Jason replied "When you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean."
Julie goes into a sex shop to buy a dildo. After looking around for a bit, she cant find anything that interests her. She goes to the salesman and asks him if there is anything else she could look at. The salesman then said to her "Why yes, yes there is."
"We have this magic dildo."
"How does it work?" Asks Julie.
He then whispers in her ear - "All you have to do is say, "Magic Dildo,
My Pussy." It will give you the best experience ever."
Without hesitation Julie purchases the dildo and drives home as fast as
she can.
When she gets home, she takes it out of the box and says just as the man
told her, "Magic Dildo, Magic my Pussy."
All of a sudden the dildo floats into the air and begins to pleasure
her.
After about 3 or 4 hours Julie decides that she has had enough for one
day, but can not figure out how the hell to turn it off.
After 15 minutes of trying to pull it out and command it off she gives
up and decides to go to the sex shop and ask the man how to turn it off.
On her way she gets pulled over by Kevin Mollison in his cop car for
swerving in and out of lanes and going through red lights.
Kev asks her, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I have a magic dildo in my pussy and I can't get it out."
Kev then replies, "Yeah right. Magic dildo, my arse."
Crozy goes to a hit man
and asks him to kill his wife, Pauline.
Hitman: Sure it will be 10K
Crozy: Ok, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?
Hitman: I will use just one shot...just below her left tit.
Crozy: That's no fucking good. I want her dead not kneecapped.
Young Emma the club physio went to the doctor last week and tells him of an awkward problem, "Doctor I will have to take all my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well what is it?" he asks. It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits that he has no idea what the cause is. Then suddeny he asks "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" Emma blushes and says, "Well actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings are not real gold."
